Cow-er Beef-ore Me-at
by knives4cash
Summary: Yang mourns the loss of a close friend. Hilarity ensues.


Part thirty-two of my RWBY series "Pollination: The Bumblebee and White Rose"

I strongly advise you listen to the speeches given by Brutus and Mark Antony concerning the death of Caesar.

watch?v=wM6X-8dokRE

watch?v=7X9C55TkUP8

Good? Good.

* * *

The wind strikes my arms and legs which are ill-prepared for riding, but I had to leave due to a sudden realization. Last night I dreamt that Ruby, Weiss, and Blake had all conspired against me and destroyed the Blue Cow energy drink factory located in the city. Loved by all students, hated by all nutritionists, that factory has been my anchor for many a terrible night. But this morning, when Ruby, Weiss, and Blake mysteriously abandoned me, I couldn't figure it out until Pyrrha came to me.

We were having a nice conversation, y'know, hitting on boys, hitting on girls, hitting on enemy shields in ancient warfare, but her face just went completely white when I mentioned my dream to her. It then struck me that this was going down like a throwdown or… something.

So now here I am, riding on the road, obeying speed limits, because I'm a hot, law-abiding citizen. And there it is, the Blue Cow factory, standing tall and proud, with its iconic blue cow on the walls, holding up a can of Blue Cow. Their logo of "It'll hold you over 'til the cows come home." springs to mind.

Agh! No time to park! Jump! Forget the bike! A few concrete scrapes can easily be painted over! Maybe I'll paint it red with the blood of my conspirators! Running up the massive stairsteps that lead to the massive double doors, I ready my gauntlets!

With a mighty leap, I manage to break the hinges of the left door and send it crashing down. "Stop right there, criminal scum!" I order as I land on top of the fallen door and come upon the sight of Ruby and Weiss spewing and hacking as they wobble towards me, drenched in a dark blue substance.

"Oh, hey, Yang!" Ruby gasps as she holsters Crescent Rose. "Fancy meeting you here!" She manages to laughs as she flaps her arms, shaking off some of the blue cow energy drink.

"Wh-" I can't even form words. I just fall to my knees. "You-?" The two don't even falter at the sudden influx of weakness.

"Yep." Weiss answers my unspoken question as she sheaths her blade and beings to wring her hair out onto the marble floor. "Destroyed every SINGLE machine! No more Blue Cow, no more insufferable Yang, no more slow-motion Blake, no more drama." She explains herself to me.

Blake's voice echoes through the hall. "Girls, let's remember to pick up laundry detergent on the way-" She emerges from a corridor, also soaked, and quickly sees me in my pitiful state. "Home." She murmurs, coming to a halt and lowering her own blade.

"Even you, Blake?" I wheeze in despair. Oh, what cruelty is this that life grinds through me? "My downfall is what you wish?" I moan as she quickly comes to my side, abandoning Gamble Shroud. "Then down Yang shall fall." I whisper as she throws her blue arms around me.

"Oh, don't be so dramatic!" Weiss scoffs. "It's for your own good." She quickly corrects herself, "Everyone's own good. We finally rid Beacon of this accursed soft drink."

"Yang, you will never have to worry about suffering addiction ever again." Blake reassures me as she hugs me tightly. I can't muster the strength to return the hug. Maybe if I had some Blue Cow- I see a crushed can stuck to Blake's leg. I pull it off and hold it in my hands as if it were a baby bird. How the mighty have fallen.

"Uh, girls?" Ruby murmurs as she points towards the outside. "People are gathering." She steps back. "Oh, they don't look happy, either." She murmurs.

Weiss cracks her knuckles. "Don't worry, Ruby." She says sweetly as she pecks her on the cheek. "I've got this." She grumbles as she boldly steps outside.

Blake helps me up and we follow her and Ruby. A massive crowd has gathered in front of the steps, angrily demanding explanations and retributions. Weiss holds up her blue-stained hands, pulling attention onto her. Blake sets me down against the door that remains hinged. Back support in my time of need, how wonderful. I clench my empty, crushed can and hold it close to my heart, hoping that it has found respite in death.

"That's Weiss Schnee!" One shouts.

"Did she do this?!" A second bellows.

"Her hands are stained with the blood of our beloved Blue Cow!" A third shrieks, rallying the crowd of students in anger.

"Hunters! Huntresses! Hear me for my cause!" Weiss commands, arms still raised. "And be silent, so that you may hear! Believe me for my honor, and have respect for my honor so that you may believe!" She then pleads, "Censure me in your wisdom, listen carefully, and you may judge me better!"

The crowd goes completely silent.

Breathing in, Weiss continues, "If there be any in this assembly, any dear lover of Blue Cow, to them I say that Weiss's love for Blue Cow was no less than theirs!" They all pretty much grimace at her statement, but she quickly amends, "If then that lover demand why Weiss rose against Blue Cow, THIS is my answer!"

Huh, so that's what a mass baiting its breath sounds like.

"Not that I loved Blue Cow less, but that I loved Beacon MORE!" She answers with passion. The crowd grows confused, and again, she quickly explains her answer. "Had you rather Blue Cow were manufactured, and graduate all addicts?" She asks.

I can't see her face, but I just know she's got a small smirk on it.

"Or that Blue Cow were vacant and graduate free men and women?!" She asks with zeal.

The crowd murmurs amongst themselves. I never knew Weiss had such a way with words. Then again, I never knew she had such a way with vandalism.

"As you all loved, I weeped with you! As you all were fortunate, I rejoiced with you! As you all were valiant, I honored you!" She throws up one arm, pointing it straight into the sky. "BUT! As you were addicted, I SAVED you!" She exclaims, thrusting that finger towards the crowd. "There is tears, for your love; joy, for your fortune; honor, for your valor, and SAVING for your evil!" She reiterates.

The crowd is beginning to believe her words; they nod and mutter to each other.

"Who is here so stupid, that would waste their money?" She asks. "If any, speak! For them have I offended! Who is here so rude that would not be a hunter? If any, speak! For them have I offended! Who is here so vile that would not love their Beacon? If any, SPEAK!" She commands as she holds her arms out, beckoning for a challenger. "For them have I offended!" She crosses her arms and leans on her right leg. "I pause for a reply." She informs the crowd.

They are silent for a few moments, until one shouts, "None, Weiss, none!" And the rest follow suit, proclaiming their purity to her.

Rrrrgh, I just KNOW she's laughing in her head right now!

"Then NONE have I offended!" She exclaims with pride. "I have done no more to Blue Cow then you shall do to Weiss!"

Enough is enough. I stand up, still cradling my fallen comrade in my hands. I trudge forward.

Weiss turns to me. "Here comes the evil now! Mourned by Yang Xiao Long." She declares to the crowd. "I will let her speak! But know that as I slew the Blue Cow factory for the good of Vale, I have the same blade for myself!" She announces, drawing Myrtenaster and holding up into the air. "When it shall please my school to need my own death!"

"Live, Weiss! Live!" One in the crowd shouts, causing the entire mass to demand her existence. "Live! Live!"

Weiss sheaths her blade and turns away from the crowd. She murmurs quickly and discretely to me, "It's for your own good." and walks back to Ruby and Blake.

As I approach the crowd, I barely catch Ruby murmur, "And you thought sis was being dramatic."

The crowd begins to murmur as Weiss has withdrawn. One declares, "Noble Yang, speak! We will hear you!"

I sigh. "For Weiss's sake, I am beholding to you." I swear to you, Blue Cow, I shall avenge your death.

"What does she say of Weiss?"

"She says for Weiss's sake, she finds herself beholding to us all!"

"'Twere best she speak no harm of Weiss here!"

"This Blue Cow was an evil!"

"That's certain! We are blessed that Vale is rid of it!"

"You gentle students." I sigh, still cradling the crushed thirty-two ounce can in my hands.

"Please! Let us hear what Yang can say!" One up close shouts back to the rest of the croud.

"Peace! Let us hear her!" Another says, but the majority of the crowd has already begun to disintegrate.

I have to act fast! "Friends, students, hunters! Lend me your ears!" I plead, managing to hold them within my voice's reach. "I come to BURY Blue Cow, not to praise it!" I explain with sorrow. "The evil that we do lives after us, the good is often buried with our bones, so let it be with Blue Cow!" I exclaim, holding up the crushed can for all to see.

They all stay, and they will hear me.

"The noble Weiss has told you Blue Cow was evil!" My outstretched hands collapse back to my sides. "If so, it was a grievous fault! And grievously has Blue Cow answered it!" I quickly draw breath and continue, "So says Weiss and her friends, for Weiss is an honorable woman, allowing me to speak for Blue Cow's funeral!"

The crowd murmurs amongst itself again. They cannot find fault in my words.

So I continue, "This was my friend, faithful and just to me!" But I quickly remind them, "But Weiss says that it was EVIL! And Weiss is an honorable woman!"

They all agree, for how could they disagree?

Holding the can out to the crowd again, I reveal, "This has quenched my thirst many times at home at Beacon! Did this in Blue Cow seem evil?" I ask of the crowd. "When the lazy have crammed for a test, Blue Cow has SAVED them from poor grades!" I quickly remind them all and then state, "Evil should be made of sterner stuff!"

Aha, I do believe that they are being swayed.

"Yet Weiss says that it was evil! And Weiss is an honorable woman!" I quickly add. Oooh, I do believe I see a few faces of discontent! Wow, I should try politics. "You all did see on the local news I thrice presented the CEO of Blue Cow my virgin body which he did THRICE refuse!"

"Wait, what?!" I hear Blake gawk behind me. In my defense, I had just aced a biology exam, and I was feeling just a bit light headed.

"WAS THIS EVIL?!" I demand of them, however. "Yet Weiss says Blue Cow was evil! And sure, she is an honorable woman!

The crowd begins to stir, but I think I can poke them a bit more.

"I speak not to disprove what Weiss spoke! But here I am to speak what I do know!" I hold the crushed can up into the air. "You all did love this once, not without cause!" So I plead, "What cause withholds you then to mourn for it?!"

They are really getting riled up, now. Fortunately for me, I have one last ace up my sleeve. Pulling from my pocket a coupon and hold it up for all to see. "In my hand is a flier! Printed in the local papers for the commoners, which pardon me, I wish to read before all of you!"

"Read the flier!" They shout back with such demand.

"In every store that sells Blue Cow!" I exclaim, "Buy one twelve pack, get another one FREEE!" I bellow to them.

They all chear for me.

"THIS was a gift from the heavens!" I scream, holding up the flier and crushed can. "When comes such another?!"

"NEVER!" They answer me with cries of anger.

I swing 'round and point to my sister, my would-be sister-in-law, and my would-be sexy kitty cat of a girlfriend. "Then cry havoc, my fellow drinkers! Let the honorable women who DESTROYED our love make good on their promise of pleasing us!"

"Do you think they accept virgin sacrifices?" Ruby asks aloud, nervously tugging on her collar.

"SWEET LORD!" Weiss shrieks, grabbing Ruby up in her arms. "EVERY LESBIAN FOR HERSELF!" She exclaims as she flees the scene.

Blake falters before taking after the two. "Yang, no sex for a year!" She yells back at me as she retreats.

The crowd of angry students swarms past me in pursuit of the honorable women that robbed them of their caffeine. I'm quickly left alone with nothing but the crushed can, the coupon flier, and my bike which still lies flat on the street.

Hmm. Maybe I did get a little carried away in all of this.

...Nah.

* * *

Who is here so indifferent that would not tell me of their love for me? If any, speak, for them I do weep. ); Do you not see how I weep for them? )));;;


End file.
